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Introducing A New Subscription Box Service

We want all of your MONEY!

Submitted by kmeisthax on Tue, 03/29/2016 - 13:00 in Satire

DaveCrate is the ultimate in identity-oriented voluntary self-marketing that you pay for. It is a $19,99/month subscription service which offers everything that we decided "geeks" and "nerds" want. Each box contains at least $60 in what we've arbitrarily categorized as "value", much of which is sentimental. Thus, by subscribing to this service, it's like you're being paid to consume incidental trinkets you would have otherwise had no interest in!

By subscribing to DaveCrate, you are opting into a newly minted paradigm of slightly non-stereotypical masculine identity. Now that this "Internet" thing has made comic books cool again, you need to continue to prove your true identity as a nerd. All those other "fans" who just watch the movie are posers, culturally appropriating "nerd ethnicity" in what I am told is exactly the same as actual minstrelsy. DaveCrate will restore yourself as a true geek, not like all of those fake ones.

Furthermore, if being paid money to get nerd stuff in the mail isn't good enough for you, we also have the DaveCrate Affiliate Program! In the Affiliate Program, you subscribe to DaveCrate as normal. However, you also get to make unboxing videos with your Affiliate link in them, which not only floods YouTube with hundreds of videos being done by people who are only doing it to support the more interesting parts of their channels, but also ensures that you have no chance of getting anyone to see your video in the thousands of millions of identical unboxing videos out there.

Don't think you're up to it? Nonsense! Making an Affiliate video is quick, easy, "fun", and only requires a small, FTC-mandated sponsorship notice that nobody will ever actually remember to add but totally compromises whatever integrity you may have once had. Here, just look at this guy having fun and making millions with his one little video:

By subscribing to DaveCrate today, you may recieve any of the following interesting items, all of which are fresh, chic, and totally geek:

  • Multiple collectable figurines of popular video game characters, such as Sonic the Hedgehog™
  • Licensed candies from popular movie franchises such as Disney®'s Frozen®™ and Minions® (formerly "Despicable Me")
  • A flashlight in every box
  • Collectable™ Trading Cards™ based off of popular western adaptations of Japanese animation
  • Blind bags of popular animated series such as My Little Pony®: Friendship™ is Magic™
  • Actual cigars

Don't delay, order today!

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Total jerks