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Umbrella Corporation Found Responsible For "H-Virus" Bioterror Attacks

Submitted by kmeisthax on Wed, 11/28/2012 - 22:50 in Satire

In a UN Bioterror Security Assessment Alliance report, Umbrella Corporation RLLEC, has been found responsible for the outbreak of the "H-Virus", or Holiday Virus. The official 210-page report details "staggeringly obvious" evidence and official terrorism charges against the already scandal-laden corporation. The evidence, collected by senior UN BSAA agent Chris Redfield over the span of several months, details the long and treacherous development period of what many Umbrella employees openly referred to as "Yueltide Flu".

The virus, developed by Umbrella's "Biohazard 1.5 R&D" team, was designed as a "consumer marketing enhancement drug". Initial symptoms include holiday-themed verbal tics such as replacing laughs with a hearty "Hohoho!". As the disease progresses, infected individuals exhibit a number of psychological symptoms consistent with that of frenzied holiday spirit, such as a compulsion to purchase useless, unnecessary gifts for friends and family members; in children, a persistent and unquenchable desire to recieve gifts; and a habitual march towards shopping centers in search of gifts which has been described by many as "zombie-like".

H-Virus is not the first accusation of bioterrorism to be attached to the beleagured pharmaceutial company. In 1998, several investigations were launched into Umbrella Corporation as to a virus outbreak in now-abandoned Raccoon City, but no conclusive evidence could be found and the cases were dropped. The H-Virus investigation may reopen those investigations as well; several of the e-mails suggest that the virus outbreak was engineered as a coverup to prevent a proprietary testing form of the virus from being discovered before it's effectiveness could be verified.

In advanced cases of the disease, those infected with H-Virus may experience physical changes in body weight, size, and even premature, aggrevated aging. The cause of such changes is unknown but is speculated to be due to a psychological compulsion towards high-calorie foods such as cookies, milk, and other seasonally-appropriate foodstuffs. People with advanced cases of H-Virus are known to be infectious and the CDC recommends avoiding prolonged contact with such individuals as it may cause new infections or aggrevate existing cases of H-Virus.

The CDC recommends staying indoors for the time being, and maintaining a fresh stock of herbs, cash, and typewriter ink. Under no circumstances does the CDC recommend accepting gifts from, sitting on the laps of, or the placing of such people in malls to facilitate other such actions. Several malls and shopping centers in heavily affected areas have already been quarantied due to heavy H-Virus exposure.

Not everyone is heeding the CDC's advice. A local vagabond, who would not provide a name, claimed that H-Virus had increased his sales of illegally obtained weapons and grenades several times. After stating that he had "a collection of good things on sale", he addressed us as "Stranger", and offered our staff correspondant a discount on the purchase of a clearly illegal assault rifle.

At press time the head of Umbrella Corporation has refused all calls and e-mails. So far they have released a statement claiming no responsibility for the attack, while simultaneously furrowing a twirled mustache and cackling in laughter. Umbrella's status as a "Resident Limited Liability Evil Corporation" under the Legitimized Evil Malicious Organizations and Nefarious Schemes Act of 1923 shields it from any and all legal liability from malicious intent or actions, and thus, it is unlikely that they will face civil or criminal penalties for the release of the H-Virus.